


imposter

by arochill



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24288805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arochill/pseuds/arochill
Summary: Who was Taako now that they had fixed the world? He wasn’t the wizard who had left on a hundred year journey, and he wasn’t the chef that ran at the first sign of trouble.He had become a combination of memories that were real and false. He did all he could to hide it, even from himself, but he could never be strong enough to stop the eventual break.
Relationships: Angus McDonald & Taako, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

What did it mean for him to be the Taako that wasn’t the face of Sizzle It Up? Taako couldn’t be sure of the answer to that. Without something to fight for, Taako wasn’t sure who he was anymore. Was he the elf that people heard of in the Voidfish’s song? Was he the elf that couldn’t help but run when the first person began to die in Glamour Falls? Was he the elf that lost one of his only highlighting features - his _beauty_ \- in order to get back a relic that he and his friends had helped to create in the first place?

  
He wasn’t sure who he was anymore, because with the memories back he had become an amalgamation of them all, a mismatched pattern that didn’t fit together quite right even though he had all the pieces. He was Taako, but whether or not that Taako was _correct_ was a question he was too afraid to answer.

He pushed it down, after the Hunger. Pushed it deep into himself where the only way to reach it would be to rip it out. He didn’t _allow_ himself to think of how the other members of the IPRE would react if they were to find out that he was just an imposter living in the skin of their old friend. He wasn’t the Taako that they had spent one hundred years alongside, because even _he_ didn’t know who that was.

Lucretia had ripped apart who he was without thinking about the consequences of that action. Without Lup - _without the other members of the IPRE_ \- Taako wasn’t even a wizard anymore. He was a coward, an elf that would run at the first sight of danger even when he had the power to help - and sure, that had been a part of him before, but he had people to push him. He had people to tell him, “hey, Taako, we can do something about this,” people that he would _listen_ to.

But now, there was a part of him that he couldn’t get rid of that had never had those people. A part of him that was fiercely independent to that point that it was almost detrimental to the people around him. A part of him that looked at others and wondered, _can he trust them?_ A part of him that couldn’t believe that anyone would care for him, in any kind of capacity, for reasons other than trying to use him.

That part, now that he had those years of memories back, should have been much smaller. _Should have been._ But it wasn’t. His mind was composed of two sides of himself, separate but exactly the same, that contradicted everything he was and everything he believed. It left him… _broken._ He wasn’t the Taako of those one hundred years, and he wasn’t the Taako that had met Magnus and Merle for the second time and had lived years with no one but himself.

He kept those thoughts, those torrential, dangerous thoughts, far away from the surface. Far away from the ears of the rest of the IPRE crew, and far away from himself.

It was fine. If others, if even _he,_ didn’t know that he was just an imposter then it would be fine. This caricature that he had become would remain unknown – would remain buried and hidden and broken only to the darkest parts of Taako that couldn’t ignore it in the dark of the night when it was quiet and he was alone. It would be _fine._

He should have known that he was never that lucky.

Angus was meant to come over that weekend. Taako had long since made a plan with the boy for him to stay the weekend every fortnight for his magic lessons. While true – they spent their weekend in the forest behind Taako’s new house blasting spells – it was also a guise for Taako to have something to do, and to get Angus’ mind off the stress that came with being the top student in such a high level school. It was a weekend to have to themselves without the expectation of having to prove to others that you were still sane after everything you had gone through.

Sometimes, Taako forgot that Angus was the World’s Greatest Detective and let loose a hint to those thoughts that he kept to himself. Most times he was able to pass those words off as a one time thing, and most times Angus didn’t try and press. This was their relaxation time, and things like detective work and talk of the past were strictly prohibited during those two days.

But… sometimes Taako had no way of passing his words off as a one time thing. Sometimes what he said concerned Angus too much, and sometimes the weekend was hijacked by the detective trying to get Taako to spill his innermost thoughts and feelings. Their last magic lesson weekend had been hijacked by exactly this, so waiting for this weekend had left Taako – although he’d never say it aloud – very uncomfortable in his preparation.

Then, the day Angus was meant to arrive, he heard his stone of farspeech go off. Taako had calmed himself enough to begin baking that morning, which usually he was unable to do when he was stressed – both he and Lup were stress bakers, but Glamour Falls had long since burnt that out of him. He had been growing to be excited to see Angus again even _if_ the boy was to ask any prying questions. Having the boy there would at least give him some headway in understanding _why_ he was feeling like this, he thought. Despite how uncomfortable he was with the idea, he did trust the boy detective.

But, that morning, Angus couldn’t come. He called Taako through his stone of farspeech and he apologised profusely for the fact that he was busy this weekend – he had forgotten that he and Taako had plans and he had made new plans with a friend he had made on his new soccer team. He was sorry, Taako. Next week, he promised.

Taako didn’t remember what he said back, but from Angus’ cheerful goodbye it had to have been something good – placating, maybe.

There was an empty silence in between when Angus stopped talking and when Taako dropped the stone of farspeech to the ground.

The choc chip cookies he had been cooking were burning in the oven. The nervousness had disappeared, but so had the excitement. He didn’t know how long he had stood there, but his homemade magic fire alarm began going off at some point and it broke him out of his numbness. The cookies were charred. Taako didn’t care.

He pulled the tray out without bothering to put on any gloves. He was in no rush. His hands burnt against the tray which he walked over to the nearest trash bin. He dropped it all in, both the tray and the cookies. Then he walked back over to the oven and turned it off.

And then he sat down, and stared at nothing.

He wasn’t _any_ Taako right now.

He wondered if Angus could tell the difference, then realised Angus had never met the Taako before Lucretia took away his memories. He wondered if the mismatched combination of before memory loss and after Taako pushed him away. If the boy saw that the wizard who had begun teaching him before the Hunger had changed and didn’t want to be around him any more.

Taako didn’t want to be around _that_ version of him either.

Taako _hated_ this version. It was wrong. It was broken and shattered and unrecognisable and now people were noticing and he couldn’t stop them and he couldn’t stop _himself._ And now that that part of him that he had tried to push down was resurfacing he didn’t know if he had the ability to get rid of it again. He didn’t know if he had the energy left to do anything but accept it. They were all going to know – _if they didn’t know already._

They probably already knew. They had always been so much smarter than he was. Even before all he became was an idiot wizard who had once been a chef. Even when he and Lup had joined the IPRE – because she was always smarter than him, more powerful then him (and he was so _proud)_ and so was every single one of the others. He was Lup’s copy, but that copy could never be a good one. Especially now. This cracked version of himself was too far beyond repair.

_(Lup must_ hate _looking at him now.)_

Taako was tired. He was so, _so_ tired of pretending.

He didn’t remember moving himself from the kitchen to his bedroom. He felt so empty.

_Who was he?_

He just wanted to go back to before he remembered. He wanted to go back to being _Taako from TV,_ or, at the very least, _Taako from the IPRE._ Because now he was neither. And he was both. And that would never be enough. Not for him, and not for the people that this version of him was sure to disappoint for the rest of his time with them.

_(Did they even want him anymore?)_

What use was this Taako?

He wasn’t a cook anymore. He wasn’t a member of the Bureau of Balance anymore. He wasn’t a Planar Researcher for the IPRE anymore. The school he had created was doing fine without him.

_What use was he?_

The sun blinded him when it rose. It had been a Saturday morning when Angus had called. According to his fantasy calendar it was now Monday _._ Taako got up from his spot on the ground, walked over to his closet, and monotonously changed his clothes. He didn’t bother matching any of it, instead just throwing on the closest things his hands could reach. He didn’t bother with putting his worn clothes in the laundry basket – they were still covered in flour from the cookies – he just left them on the floor by the closet door.

When he left his room he headed to the kitchen. His stone of farspeech laid on the ground by the oven, left behind by a barely awake Taako two days prior. It was glowing with the light of unread messages.

He picked it up, pressed it lightly to make the messages play, and sat it on the bench by the oven as he began to walk around looking for ingredients.

_“Hey Taako, just wanted to catch up with you! I hadn’t heard from you over the weekend and when I called Lup she said she hadn’t either. It’s Angus’ cooking weekend isn’t it? Hope you’ll leave something for me next time I get back to ground level! Speaking of! I got a new dog the other day and he reminds me of you, you should totally come to Raven’s Roost to see him!–”_

“Next message.”

Taako pulled out the chicken from the freezer.

_“Hey, dingus! You said you’d call me today and you didn’t! Yeah, that’s right, I'm calling you out! You better get back to me before Monday or you’ll have a Lup special right at your door before you can say ‘Lup is the best twin ever and I should call her back!’”_

“Next message.”

Garlic gloves, 30 of them all together.

_“Hey, babe, I miss you. I’m sorry this mission has been taking so long. I know I said it wouldn’t take more than a week but there were more necromancers than we’d realised. The Raven Queen expects us to be back by around… Wednesday, I believe. Again, I’m sorry this is taking so long, Taako. But, anyway, I hope your weekend with Angus was fun! Tell him I’ll see him next time, won’t you? I love you.”_

“Next message.”

Vegetable oil, white wine, two cups of onion.

_“Hey, sir!”_

The knife he was pulling out of the draw dropped to the ground.

 _“It turns out that I don’t enjoy sleepovers as much as I thought I would. Being in a home with strangers… wasn’t as fun as I thought it’d be. I_ was _going to call you to see if you could pick me up but didn’t want to be rude after cancelling our plans so abruptly. I’m really sorry about that sir! I got Ms Lup to pick me up, and she said she hadn’t really heard from you at all for the past couple of days. She’s coming over Monday and asked if I want to come with her. So, what I mean to say is! I’ll be seeing you Monday sir! … Love you, bye!”_

“No new messages.”

Taako breathed in deeply. His hands were shaking as he pulled the salt and pepper out of the cabinet and sat it down with the rest of his ingredients. He began to pull out his cooking equipment, and he set to work within the quiet of his home.

He was careful in making it, even as his hands continued to shake. He followed the recipe that he had long since branded in his mind, making the precise adjustments necessary for the meal. He didn’t add any flare to it — didn’t allow any magic to touch any of the ingredients. He just followed the recipe, made the adjustments, and continued on. Ignored the way his hands continued to shake and the way his breathing grew more and more erratic the longer he worked on the food. Ignored the way his ears strained the entire time, waiting for the noise that would come from someone knocking on the door. Ignored the way that his heart was beating too fast in his chest, a terrified, thunderous beat that he knew he’d be able to lower if only he stopped cooking, stopped forcing himself forwards.

_He could do this._

If he could do this, then it would be proof that he was fine. That he was still the Taako that cooked to relieve the stress he felt, that his past didn’t affect him anymore and that the feelings left behind after the past years weren’t slowly destroying him from the inside out.

_If he could just do this—_

The knock came at the door moments after he put the chicken into the oven and set the timer. He couldn’t breathe. He didn’t move from his spot in the kitchen and soon enough the knocking stopped and he heard it slam open with the force of what could only have been a magic spell. He still didn’t move from his spot, now staring at the oven blankly, tiredly. And still, _still,_ his hands continued to shake. Still, he felt everything and nothing at once and everything happening around him felt like a blur of movement that was going by too fast. And then, and _then,_ there was a blur of colour and sound and—

And then there was Lup.


	2. Chapter 2

Taako stared at his sister for a moment, but  _ only  _ a moment. Her sudden appearance snapped him out of his stillness, shocking him into stepping back and crashing right into the kitchen island in the middle of the room. Through blurry eyes he saw the shock on Lup’s face, but the part that cared about that was far too small compared to the numb part of himself.

“…Taako?” She whispered, her voice so very careful, nothing like the way she usually spoke with him. If he was aware enough, he would have realised she sounded  _ terrified. _

She drew closer to him, her shape coming into view and becoming less and less like the blur of red he had seen originally.

“Taako.” She repeated, sounding more sure of herself and sounding much clearer to Taako the closer she got. He couldn’t move away. He couldn’t move his eyes away from her.

Her hands were outstretched in front of her, making sure that Taako had eyes on them at all times. His eyes began to focus more and as he spotted the tears in her eyes, identical to his own, the tension he hadn’t even noticed was running through him fell apart instantly. He slumped and without the tension keeping him standing he dropped to the floor like a sack of bricks. Lup was only  _ just  _ slow enough in reaching forwards and trying to catch him.

She crouched down in front of him. Taako blinked slowly and finally noticed Angus standing behind her, looking just as concerned and just as confused.  _ Go away,  _ Taako wanted to tell them both.  _ Leave me alone, I’m fine, I’m  _ fine. But no words would leave him, and Lup finally got close enough to him that her hands were placed directly above him. But not touching. She was so, so careful not to touch. Lup’s eyes stared into his, waiting.

Taako lifted his hands up just enough to touch them against the bottom of hers. The relief that fell onto her face was palpable. She took hold of his hands in hers, her touch as careful as she could make it with the panic that was so obvious in her.

“Taako.” She repeated, her fingers making patterns on the back of his hands. And he heard her.

And his mouth opened, and he mouthed the word “Lup”, over and over again. He watched as the tears that were already in her eyes flooded over, but now there was a smile on her face brought on by complete and utter relief. He just kept repeating it, and the longer he did so the more it brought him back into himself.

Eventually, in the kitchen where it was silent save for the quiet sobs he hadn’t even noticed, the mouthing of Lup’s name became words.

“Lup.” He whispered, a desperate, heartbroken word, and Lup sobbed as well and drew his head against her chest, hugging him tightly against her. In her arms he had never felt more safe, more comforted.

They sat there on the ground for a stretch of time Taako still wasn’t completely aware enough to understand. Lup didn’t move away from him, even when the position she was in must have grown uncomfortable. At some point another pair of arms had appeared around him, and he saw the tuft of brown hair that could have only been Angus. Neither of them tried to get him to explain, neither of them tried to prevent him from repeating “Lup” even after his voice began to hurt from how much he was saying it. Neither of them left him, not even for a moment.

They were all pulled from the ground by the sound of the oven timer going off. Taako took in a deep breath at the sound of it, and he pulled away from both Lup and Angus. They looked at him as he pulled away, concern still clear on their faces, but they didn’t try to stop him. He was almost mechanical in getting up from the ground and moving towards the oven. He could feel the eyes following him as he paused before opening the oven, grabbing the oven mitts from out of a drawer and pulling them over his hands that he glancingly realised blisters had formed on.

He opened the oven and the smell of garlic permeated the room immediately. He grabbed the tray by its handles and pulled it out of the oven, sitting it on top. He could almost hear the intake of breath behind him from Lup and Angus. His hands were shaking again as he looked over the meal he had created. He still wasn’t sitting right on his axis but with Lup and Angus there, a presence that was both terrifying and comforting, he could  _ tell  _ this was wrong.

_ (Can’t even do  _ this _ right, can you,  _ Taako from TV? _ ) _

Taako breathed in deeply and walked over to the cutlery drawer, pulling out a knife and fork – his feet only just missing stepping onto the dropped knife from earlier that he had forgotten about. He walked back over to the 30 clove garlic chicken. In the time it took him to get back Lup and Angus had drawn closer, standing practically right next to him when he stopped in front of the chicken. He couldn’t bring himself to mind.

The knife went in easily as he cut the chicken into much, much smaller pieces. Then, when he got to the largest piece he had cut, he picked it up with a fork and shoved in his mouth with an abrupt movement. Lup and Angus both made to grab for the fork, but Taako had already swallowed the meat. For a moment, he stood there, fork held in his grip – and then it clattered to the ground, the sound ringing through the room. He caught Lup’s eyes. She looked panicked and Taako could feel the magic that was growing in the air around them, all originating from her.

But nothing happened. And all at once Taako began to regain awareness of his surroundings again. He took in a deep breath, carefully placed the fork into the sink, picked up the trap with the chicken once again, and tipped it all into the bin. He then turned back to Lup and Angus. He clenched his hands once, twice, and then smiled at them.

“I’m sorry you both had to see that!” He exclaimed, voice clear and careful and perfectly,  _ perfectly  _ fine, and with a laugh he continued, “I don’t know why I was acting like that, someone must have cursed me! Not to worry though, I broke out of it.” 

With the flick of his wrist he cast Disguise Self and the red of his eyes vanished, the bags under his eyes were removed, the blisters on his hands disappeared and for all intents and purposes he looked like the Taako that they were used to.

The relief Taako was expecting to see in their faces didn’t appear, and Taako faltered for a moment.

_ Why weren’t they happy? He was fine. He could still cook, he had proved that. He might still have a use – _

Maybe they knew more than he did. That would make sense. He was stupid – an idiot wizard and chef, and maybe they knew that it was impossible for him to ever be what he was. Maybe they were just waiting for him to realise that too.

_ Oh. _

Taako faltered all the more, his lack of concentration making the Disguise Self spell flicker. But he remained standing there, careful and waiting for the shoe to finally drop. Instead, Lup stepped forwards with a frown on her face and she pulled him into a hug. Her head rested against his shoulder, and he felt the spot her head rested go wet.

“Hey, Taako?” She whispered to him.

He hummed back, unable to speak, scared he would say something wrong and the moment would end, and she brought a hand up to run it through his hair.

“It’s okay to hurt. You know that, right? No one is going to think bad of you for it. We’re all here for you.  _ I’m  _ here for you. You don’t need to pretend, Taako. Not in front of me, not in front of  _ any  _ of us. We love you, you know? You’re my  _ brother,  _ Taako, and you don’t have to be anymore than you are for us to care about you. We’re all  _ safe  _ now, Taako. All we want now is… we just want you to know that you don’t have to change. We… just want to help you. You deserve to be happy, Taako.”

Taako stared over Lup’s shoulder at Angus. The boy hadn’t let up his own stare since Lup had started speaking. He was a quiet presence, keeping Taako stable even as a block in Taako’s throat grew the longer Lup spoke. There were tears running down Taako’s cheeks that he couldn’t stop, no matter how much he wanted to.

It didn’t seem  _ right.  _ Lup had to be lying. They didn’t want this Taako, hell,  _ he  _ didn’t want this Taako. But Lup wouldn’t lie to him, no matter how much of a fake he had become. She  _ wouldn’t  _ lie. So this had to be the truth, didn’t it? But how could it be the truth? How could he believe her when every part of him was screaming at him that he was  _ wrong,  _ that no one  _ wanted  _ him anymore now that he had no use, that there was no way that any of them could possibly still care about him.

But Lup wouldn’t lie to him.

_ Angus,  _ standing there, a pillar of strength despite how young he was, wouldn’t lie to him.

They weren’t liars. (Not like him.)

Disguise Self fell away from him without much conscious thought. Lup didn’t see it from her position but Taako watched Angus smile at him and relaxed against his twin.

“I love you.” He whispered to her, and to Angus, eyes burning. He couldn’t bring himself to say anymore. There was an inlaid terror that told him there was a very real possibility of this being a dream. He did what he could to push against that idea.

Lup pulled away from him, and with a heartbroken smile she brushed away the tears still streaming down his cheeks.

“I love you too, dingus.” She rested a hand against his cheek and he leaned into it, eyes fluttering shut, “Now, please, go sit on the couch and maybe have a nap. I’ll make us all lunch.”

Taako’s eyes shot back open and he opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head and held a hand out. With that, Angus walked over to them with a watery smile and grabbed a hold of Lup’s hand.

“I’m sorry for missing our magic weekend, sir. Would it be okay if I stayed with you tonight to make up for it?” Angus asked him, voice small, and something seemed to be exhaled in the air around Taako with his words.

He could only bring himself to nod in response. Angus let go of Lup’s hand and took hold of Taako’s.

He was taken into their sitting room by a small, careful hand, and slowly Taako was beginning to be able to feel again. The warmth around him as he heard Lup begin to pull out ingredients and the warmth around him as Angus led him to the couch with a smile that was non judgemental in any kind of way left Taako breathless – but for once it was breathless in a way that didn’t hurt.

When Taako sat down on the couch, Angus reached out his other hand and held out a Stone of Farspeech. From the chips in the stone, Taako was able to tell that it was his one that he had dropped on the ground earlier. Taako bit into his bottom lip, and then held out his own free hand.

“Mr Magnus has been worried,” Angus told him, smiling sadly, “And I’m sure Mr Kravitz has been missing you. You don’t need to call them now but… I think it’ll help if you talk to them, sir.”

Taako closed his hand around the stone and the feeling of it was grounding. It told him that  _ yes,  _ there were people that, even though they weren’t there, were waiting for him. Taako let go of Angus’ hand only to bring his arms around the boy’s back. He pulled the young detective up onto the couch with him.

“Thank you, Angus.” Taako whispered into the top of the boy’s head.

He heard Angus sniffle. There were still tears in his own eyes, so he said nothing about it.

“Of course, sir. Please don’t leave us, okay? We love you.”

_ (Lies,  _ a voice hissed at him. Taako fought back against it,  _ not now. Not now. Just let me have this, just this once.) _

“Love you too, detective McDonald.” Taako whispered, and then he relaxed his arms around Angus, and leaned back against the couch, and let the smell of Lup’s cooking drift over him.

It wasn’t perfect. He didn’t just immediately fix himself because his family was there, that just wasn’t how it worked. And of course he continued to tuck those thoughts away from view whenever he got the chance – he was Taako, after all, and he wanted to be seen as the elf who helped save the world and not this mess of a person. He continued to wonder if his family wouldn’t just prefer the old versions of himself, and he didn’t think that he would be able to stop that for a long,  _ long  _ time.

But they were there. And honestly, having them there and having them  _ know  _ helped more than anything else could have. Having Lup visit as many times a week as she could was more than worth it, and having her there to begin trying to cook without the horrifying, desperate need to throw it out was a breath of relief.

Angus continued his fortnightly lessons. He still had school, so he was busy, but whenever he had the time he would come over for an afternoon and oftentimes would bring Magnus – who had recently begun teaching the soccer team at Lucas’ school.

Kravitz wasn’t used to it. But then again, nobody else was, let alone Taako himself. And having someone who was just  _ there  _ even when the man had to leave for work was something that even back on the Starblaster he hadn’t felt – at least not in the way Kravitz made him feel.

It wasn’t perfect. Taako didn’t get fixed overnight, and neither did anyone else that had gone through those hundred years, and neither did anyone who had gone through the Day of Story and Song. Nobody was perfect, and nobody was the same as they once had been, and Taako was finally,  _ finally  _ learning that that was okay.

He was Taako, from TV. He wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t the same as he had been with the IPRE and he wasn’t the same as he had been with the Bureau of Balance.

And that— that was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im not the most proud of this, but I think i’m okay with that. I just needed to get this idea down, and I was able to do that.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
